Understanding ThompsonWhoDoesNotRun

Since this is my first post, let me start with an introduction. I’m Jennifer. 33 years old. Slightly overweight according to all the gossip rags. I exercise with the help of a personal trainer. I am a very social individual and can be both a slacker and an overachiever simultaneously. I enjoy interacting with my peeps, my husband, my dogs, complete stangers, etc. On occasion, I’ve been known to drink a bottle of wine, down a few cold ones and even fire up the blender if necessary (all in one night if the mood suits me). Let me say this – I’m half a decade older than any of these other b**ches that I’m running with! I eat too much and I consume way too many liquid calories. My knees and back hurt when I get out of bed. I live with a limp until 8am and I cannot even begin to function until I have had my two cups of coffee. The only thing I have going for me is that I don’t smoke and there is no need for hacking up a lung before the morning run.

Because my thighs are larger than my other team members, I’ve also managed to develop an abrasion where my legs are rubbing together. This week I’m planning to invest in special ‘panties’ for runners but until then, I’ve got to do laundry every day in order to keep my one pair of sliders clean and attempt to prevent further injury. Sure, the running is hard. Getting up isn’t too bad but actually going from a walking pace to a running pace is difficult (it’s more the pains in the legs than the pressure on the lungs). We’ve been training as a group for two weeks now. Here are some of the things I’ve learned and some general observations:

1. Before beginning a training regiment, purchase special under garments. This includes dry fit, support top bras for moderately endowed women like myself AND underwear that act more like spandex shorts to keep the thighs from rubbing and limit chafing. At no point will it become appropriate to replace everyday attire with athletic attire. Remember, running outfits are for running only.
2. During the big race, don’t be alarmed by Vaseline popsicles. I’m not sure if these are frozen or fresh but the intent is to rub them on the inner thighs. DO NOT eat. I’m been lamenting on these all week and when I’ve been in need of a pick-me-up, I’ve gone to thoughts of the popsicles. Thank goodness we have the items from #1 because a ‘runner friend’ (not invited on the team because she actually knows what she is doing) said that our nipples could begin bleeding by the end of the race. (Seriously! I'm not o.k with this). I’m not sure how much to pay attention to these ‘runner friends’ because they may just be trying to frighten me and know that I am handing on their every word. By the way, none of this crap was mentioned in my Runners World UK.
3. Set the rules early. Sure, I may have gone on one ‘secret’ run but let’s be real folks. Not only am I half a decade older than either of them, but I’ve also got a least 50 pounds on Mandy. Rules are that if you are the skinniest one in the group, you don’t rub it in by showing up in your short shorts and a red sports bra (no shirt) and act like the chubby girl is going to be alright with this. OH, and did I mention that she’s a ballerina!
4. It is very important to stock up on the essentials -- Alieve, Icy Hot Patches and your very own personal Icy Hot Goo Stick (I read the directions and it said: Do Not Share). Also, thick orange protein supplements go well with morning coffee. They taste good belching up on the third mile. If you can hold them down, they provide energy.
5. No matter what others tell you, it is NOT o.k. to urinate or defecate on oneself during a race. IF in the slightest of chances that this were to occur, it will NEVER be discussed.
   

So tomorrow starts Week 3. I have all intensions of being ready, but we’ll see where the rest of the day takes me (I'm going out by the pool for the afternoon). Our goal this week is 27 miles (5 miles x 4 training days plus 7 miles on Saturday). We have also been discussing the full marathon vs. the half marathon. Why do something half-ass? It's not like you can put on your list of life's accomplishments that you did half a marathon. It's all or nothing, right?